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Vive Le Gnome Libre! 10/09/99 Making the rounds on the web - still! We have a new and very serious threat to the well being of homeowners around the globe. According to a short report issued by the Agence France-Presse (which was reprinted in several major newspapers, including Canada's National Post), a new faction of society is resorting to spectacular tactics like mysterious midnight kidnapping raids to draw attention to their call for freedom. They call themselves The Garden Gnome Liberation Front. The Front's aim, apparently, is to free gnomes from domestic captivity and return them to their natural woodland habitats. Earlier this month, some 143 garden gnomes were discovered lined up in front of the city hall in Sarrebourg in eastern France. Previously, another 73 had been found in a schoolyard. There is no doubt that the gnome's plight is a desperate one. Captured by the thousands every year by slave rings operating under code names like "Wal-Mart" and "Target," the poor little critters are torn away from their homes and families and placed on shelves in garden centers throughout the world - ironically, right next to products like "RoundUp." After weeks of torture (things like flourescent lighting and mall music) designed to break their spirits, they are sold to homeowners who force them to stand motionless, for seasons at a time, in their gardens. An ignominious fate if there ever was one. No wonder then, that 11 of them were found hanged last year, in what the French press called a collective suicide. The accompanying note explained that they were "leaving this cruel world... to join the temple of oppressed gnomes." (The temple of course, being a central tenet of their religious faith, Gnosticism.) Why should homeowners be concerned? Because if you've ever studied the rise of oppressed accessories throughout history, you'll know it's only a matter of time before the gnomes start using more aggressive tactics. Indeed, there is already talk of setting up a freedom fighters world headquarters in Nome, Alaska. Improvements in cellular technology will soon create units small enough for these creatures to improve their communications networks – enabling them, in effect, to phone gnome. And it worries me that the GGLF started in France: a country known for things like revolutions, Bastille storming, and guillotines. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not already a victim of a quiet campaign of horticultural terror. Several flowers in my garden have died mysteriously this year, and at least one of my stepping stones has gone missing. (I'm just waiting for it to turn up as a little bag of pulverized gravel accompanied by a demand note). Several new weeds have been "introduced" into my lily patch. A friend of mine living on a ranch in the prairies has reported that he stepped on a rake twice this year and swears that he wasn't responsible for leaving it out on the lawn. This means there ís at least one activist gnome on the range. Maybe even a whole group of radical gnomesteaders. But it's the widespread effects of a potential gnome uprising that are truly frightening. If they succeed, they set the stage for further upheaval. We'll have pink flamingos, stone toads, various half-naked Greek statuettes and even garden gargoyles clamoring to join the gnome front. Entire bands of garden creatures wandering loose in the countryside, causing trouble. Gnomads, if you will. After that, who knows? Stuffed animals everywhere might be inspired to crawl out from under the bed to freedom, with a battle cry of "there's no place like Gnome!" on their faux-fur lips. Heck, there are enough captive Barbie Dolls alone to start up entire regiments. And perhaps the Royal Doulton figurines will start thinking of restoring the monarchy again. So take this as a warning my friends: gnomes may be cute, but they are also revolting. Hide the hedge clippers and lock the implement shed at night. Report any suspicious movements to the proper authorities. Be ever vigilant, because you can bet they're not going to stop until they're gnome free. |
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