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The Altruistic Environmentalist By Dave Wise 03/22/01 Young Nippy Anklescorn was born in the Peoples Republic of Ashland, a small university town in Southern Oregon, place of the famous "Spotted Owl" and "Earth First" activists. All his life Nippy was taught the ways of all the multi-cultural, environmentally correct customs of his day. Nippy faithfully lived each day according to the doctrine of his enlightened mentors. Everyone knew Nippy and liked him. He would fondly talk about his life and how he loved filling his unemployed days with happy family activities like shopping at the local socially responsible and environmentally conscious non-profit food center, or getting the recyclable items together for Earth Day, or spreading the compost in their organic, pesticide free garden. Nippy joined tree saving sit-ins and participated with zeal when it came to "educating the masses" by standing at the mall and handing out Save The Earth pamphlets printed with non-toxic ink on recycled paper. Nippy was by all accounts a happy man, or as happy as he could allow himself to be when, after all, there was so much suffering and inequality in this world. That is why it came as a shock to everyone when they learned of what an ironic fate had befallen poor Nippy. As a practicing Pagan, tarot card reader, crystal and aromatherapy enthusiast, Nippy was certain that he would live a long and fruitful life. His plans of a childless commitment living with his significant other at the commune selling smudge sticks and dream catchers would mean happiness forever. This seemed like an ideal life for a man in his twenties living in an environmentalist's paradise. Then one day, after consuming several Latte’s and reading the latest issue of the Utne Reader, he came across an article that shook him to his core. According to the article entitled "Too Many People," it says that each and every one of us is contributing to the effects of global warming by simply being alive and breathing. The article urged everyone to join VHEMT, the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement and phase out people from the planet so all of the animals could live in peace and without the threat of mans evil influence and the biosphere could return to "normal." Nippy was shocked at his own ignorance and vowed he would do something to correct the damage he was causing to the Earth Mother. He prepared gifts to offer up to the Spirits living in the mountains and trees. He planted extra flowers and shrubs in his yard to compensate for his selfish desire to breathe. He even quit jogging so he would use less oxygen. Then one day, while having a particularly troublesome time trying to persuade a passerby to stop smoking that horrible toxin known as tobacco, the smoking stranger told him to go jump off a bridge. Nippy immediately stopped and felt a moment of rapture! After he thanked the man repeatedly for the advice, Nippy had the answer to all of his worries – he would just kill himself and therefore do the most benefit possible for the Earth Mother. Nippy felt reborn! He was now going to be free of the burden of killing the Earth and by his death the Earth would be free of him making greenhouse gasses. The perfect solution! Now, all Nippy had to do was decide how he was going to meet his demise. He considered shooting himself, but since he was staunchly an anti-gun person that idea was out. He thought of actually jumping off a bridge as the stranger suggested, but then he would be polluting the waters with his rotting flesh, and that was certainly not an option. He thought about poison, but toxic chemicals? Really! So, what was left? Could he electrocute himself? No, that would just benefit those who own nuclear power plants. Self-immolation was out because setting himself on fire would release large amounts of soot, dust, and carbon monoxide into the atmosphere. Inhale carbon monoxide - Are you kidding? He could jump in front of a bus, but that might cause body damage to the bus and the community bus co-op was barely operating on the donations it received from its riders. Nippy knew that some suicidal method must be possible without causing further damage to the environment. Nippy went back home to ponder. Then, while making a salad it occurred to him, the final solution! Compost! He decided to not only remove his greenhouse gas producing self from the Earth, but he will devote his entire body to the good Earth by turning himself directly into compost! The idea set him dancing like there was no tomorrow… in fact there was a tomorrow, just not for him! After Nippy finished the salad, his significant other Jasmine came home from a long day of trying to get the feminist to allow others into their schedyuled St. Patrick's Day parade. The, millet and soy vegetarians, the anti-gun brigade, and anti-trade anarchist, and all of the P.E.T.A. members wanted to join the rally, but there was not enough room in the parade to go through the peoples streets.. She was particularly frustrated because nobody could agree about where they were going to protest, what they were going to wear at the protest, what they were going to protest about, and who would be willing to antagonize the police in order to get pepper-sprayed for the TV cameras. They decided to convene at the Peoples Park. When Nippy told Jasmine of his plan she asked who was going to bury him. She said she wasn’t because she was not the type to be responsible for getting the permits, filling out the environmental impact statements, or putting up with the smell as he rotted away in the garden. Damn! Now what could he do? He couldn’t disobey the comprehensive policies of the city elders and planning commission and it takes two years and $2,200 to have any improvements submitted for acceptance, so composting was out too! For once Nippy was having trouble finding his true environmental and spiritual compass. That is when he had a brainstorm! He decided not to kill himself but to have someone do it for him! This situation absolves any responsibility from his conscience and satisfies the desires of the Earth. Next was to devise a plan that would make someone want to kill him. Nippy tried all sorts of things, like sneaking up on a group of hunters and scaring off their game, but all they did was tie him to a tree-stump and pour elk urine on him. Even as elk came along and violated him repeatedly, he did not find the experience all that bad. He tried interrupting a Pat Buchanan convention by screaming obscenities and calling them Nazi’s, but after they tried to nominate him for the chair, he figured that they were of no use to him. He got desperate and sneaked into a Ku Klux Klan gathering. He got right in the face of the grand wizard and shouted that he was a gay, Catholic, Jew with black parents! After a moment of stunned silence the mob carried him to the woods and forced him to perform un-Christian acts with a donkey. Again, he found no displeasure from this episode. Dejected, he walked for miles in the woods, contemplating just how he was going to get through his dilemma. Along the way he found some feathers. He though they would go good with his dreadlocks and proceeded to put them in his hair. Further along he found himself lost and it was getting dark. The wind began to blow and it started to rain. Nippy thought he better find a way to keep warm. He started to shiver! Now hopelessly lost, he became desperate to keep himself alive. It was looking grim for our friend Nippy. Night was falling. "What do I do?" cried Nippy. About that time good fortune happened! Though much to his disgust, someone had killed and gutted a bear and left the hide on the ground. It had been there quite some time and was dry enough to wrap around himself for warmth, so he bundled up in that and went to sleep. The next morning, still shivering, he set out with the feathers and bearskin to keep him warm. After a while he became hungry too. Cold, and desperate for food, he started looking for anything to sustain him. Well, wouldn't you know it. Luck had befallen Nippy again! Before him was a nest full of owl eggs that had fallen from a tree during the storm! Hooray! Cried Nippy as he realized he was going to survive. But being an environmentally conscientious man, he decided it best to eat just one of the eggs and put the others back in the nest and put the nest in the tree. After some effort he managed to secure the nest when all of a sudden, the mother owl came screeching toward him. He instinctively waved his arm and accidentally struck the owl. To his dismay, the owl fell to the ground unconscious and wounded. Disheartened and saddened by his actions, Nippy climbed down the tree, picked up the owl and began to carry it off in hopes of finding a veterinarian. Finally at just about noon, still cold, hungry and damp, Nippy came to a clearing. Still covered in bearskin, feathers in his hair, and carrying the owl, came to the edge of the forest and was nearing the Peoples Park. He saw a large gathering of people holding signs and marching. He couldn’t have been happier to see his own kind doing something for the cause. As he got closer he could just start to make out the signs… People…. for…. The…. Ethical…. Treatment…. of…. Animals… Oh, ....PETA…. Hooray! Excited, Nippy jumps up and down, waves his hand in the air while holding the owl in the other and begins to shout at the crowd. Nippy was killed instantly. |
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