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The Flamers Bible
I love the smell of flaming e-mail in the morning...... it smells
like... burning spam!
To those of you who are yet unfamiliar with the term "flaming,"
don't feel so alone. Most people who are new to the internet are unaware
of the term as well, even though they may have been the recipient or the
originator of a flame.
Flaming is a term affectionately used to describe the act of sending nasty
e-mail, you know like a poison pen letter only done on a computer and sent to
another computer user, usually via the internet.
Flaming can be very funny at times, especially when posted on an open forum
or a news group. Flaming is not the same as "Hate mail" because hate
mail is usually written as a threat to do someone harm or has racial or
malicious intent.
A good flamer can turn a debate into an exchange of pithy insults and a
battle of wits, while an amateur will simply start name calling and reduce the
debate into a idiotic diatribe.
Some creative person came up with The Flamers Bible as a means of
helping you become a great flamer. Why stick to boring stuff like facts and logic as a means of defeating an opponent
when you could sound like a insufferable snob!
Read carefully these valuable insights into perfecting your flaming abilities
so you can become the next great mind
on the world wide web. After learning The Flamers Bible you can let
everyone know just how intelligent you are!
The Flamers Bible
The twelve commandments of flaming
- Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound
true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
- Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud.
You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to
psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word
'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
- Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to
alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
Therefore, post everywhere.
- Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly
be that you're a f**khead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and
you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
- Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin
& Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in
good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has
libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."
- Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright
that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If
Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then
Harry's obviously lying.
- Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum,"
"vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
- Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them
you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you
received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs,
LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."
- Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the
37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or
move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
- Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you?
And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by
now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of
flamers' logic.
- Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
- When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will
undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This
person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look
generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult
the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with
vegetables."
The Golden Rule of Flaming
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.
Here endeth the scriptures.
Stolen from: jat @ hpsemc. UUCP (Joe Talmadge)
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